Rich Spain - A Positive Force of Change

Rich Spain shares his notes from Day 1 of Congressman Anthony Weiner's treatment

Many of you have heard of the scandal involving Congressman Anthony Weiner having inappropriate correspondences with women over Twitter.  He has checked himself into a clinic for deviant sexual behavior where I will be overseeing his care.  He requested that I share my daily notes to keep his constituents informed of his progress.

Live with life,

Rich Spain

 

Day 1:

While going through admissions, Anthony suggested he keep a photo journal instead of a written journal.  After discussion we agreed that was a bad idea.  Anthony also asks for all of the nurses to refer to him as “Big Tony”.

After being shown to his room by two nurses, Anthony remarks, “Man, all of these bitches are trying to f*ck me”.

Looking for extra pillows, Anthony promises an orderly tickets to “Book of Mormon” on Broadway.  He claims, he is “cool with Trey and Matt” and they frequently attend “ragers” together.

During a group discussion session, Anthony consistently looked away as others were sharing.  When they were done, he would reply sarcastically, “Great group share, aces”.

At lunch, Anthony organized all the sadists on one side of the cafeteria and all the masochists on the other and started to debate health care.

During our afternoon walk, Anthony assesses whether each nurse could “Get it”.

At our private session, Anthony shares a reoccurring dream.  It is the World Series and he is playing for the New York Yankees.  It’s the bottom of the ninth, two outs.  Anthony is up to bat with two strikes.  The bases are loaded and the score is tied.  All Anthony needs to do is drive in one run and the Yankees will win.  As the pitcher starts his wind up, Anthony looks into the crowd and sees a beer girl with D cup breasts.  His concentration is broken and when the pitch comes in, it hits him straight in the dick.  The umpire waves the play off saying that Anthony stepped his dick into the pitch and calls him out.  His Yankee teammates Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez run up to him.  Alex Rodriguez has his own body but the head of Minority Leader, Congressman Steny Hoyer.  Derek Jeter is just Derek Jeter.  They tell him that he is not good enough and should go home to Brooklyn.  Then they pants him in front of a sold out stadium and TV cameras broadcasting around the world.  The beer girl then takes a camera photo of him standing by the dugout wearing just a jock strap.

At dinner, Anthony organizes all of the chronic masturbators on one side of the cafeteria and all of the Plushies on the other side and started to debate a withdrawal date from Afghanistan.

Before bed, Anthony was asked to write letters to the people he has hurt, he suggested that he only use 140 characters for each person. After discussion we agreed that was a bad idea.

Rich Spain interviews DC Councilman Harry Thomas Junior on his recent embezzlement scandal

Rich Spain: Councilman Thomas, on Monday, Attorney General Irvin B. Nathan filed a lawsuit in Superior Court alleging that you intentionally diverted more than $300,000 in public funds intended for youth baseball programs and spent it on a luxury sport-utility vehicle and personal travel.  Are these allegations true?

Harry Thomas Junior:  Rich there are a lot of people in the DC metro area that would like to see me step down from the Council.  Trust me.  This is just a fishing investigation to tarnish my name.

RS:  In 2007, the DC council budgeted $400,000.00 for Youth Baseball Programs.  The Attorney General claims that you directed that money to a campaign supporter who then diverted the $300,000.00 to your Team Thomas charity.  No youth baseball programs ever occurred.

HTJ:  Now see Rich, someone looking in from the outside would need knowledge of what the true Council intention of that money was to understand what is going on.  Every year in South Willamsport, Pennsylvania the best and brightest of the sporting world come together for the Little League World Series.  These are the most talented 11 and 12 year olds on the planet.  The District of Columbia has never won the Little League World Series.  Trust me.  The Council wants this very bad for the District.

RS:  So you used the $300,000.00 to build a Little League World Series team?

HTJ:  That’s right Rich.  And you can’t always find the best players in your backyard.  I had to take recruiting trips to Las Vegas, Pebble Beach Golf Course in California and to a suite at Nationals stadium.

RS:  You thought you would find the best little league players at a gambling mecca, a golf course, and a professional sports luxury box?

HTJ:  If there is a 12 year old son of a blackjack dealer who can hit for power and steal bases, trust me, I will fly to Vegas.  If I hear there is an 11 year old caddy that can throw a curveball, trust me, I will fly to Pebble Beach. 

RS:  And the Nationals stadium luxury box?

HTJ:  I just wanted to double check that none of the Nationals were actually 11 or 12 year olds.  I have to be thorough, Rich.  That’s how you win the Little League World Series.

RS:  So what is the progress of the DC Little League team?

HTJ:  Right now, it doesn’t look good.  We’ve put together a rag tag group of tweens that need to learn how to play together.  And the worst part of it all is that next to the field that we practice on is a home guarded by a mean and ferocious dog named The Beast.  Whenever one of our kids hits a home run, it goes over the fence and The Beast keeps it and we can’t finish practice.  That’s why these funds are so important.  We’ve spent a fortune on new baseballs.

RS:  How much would you say you’ve spent?

HTJ:  Close to $300,000.00.

RS:  I will be honest with you Councilman Thomas, this sounds a lot like the plot to the movie, The Sandlot.

HTJ:  Rich, what I’m hearing now is that you don’t trust me.  You need to trust me.  How is it going to feel when someone from Chula Vista, California or Toms River, New Jersey comes up to you and says their city is better than yours because they own a Little League World Series ring?  Do you want the people of Apopka, Florida to hold this over your head?

RS:  It was also alleged that you used over $58,000.00 to buy an Audi sports utility vehicle.  Was that also towards the goal of winning the Little League World Series?

HTJ:  You just answered your own question.  SPORTS utility vehicle.  I can’t have my top players showing up to practice on an old yellow bus.  If we want to be the best we have to act like the best.  Alex Rodriguez doesn’t drive up to Yankee stadium in a yellow bus. 

RS: That is true.

HTJ: Do you think that Alex Rodriquez might be 11 years old?

RS:  I highly doubt it.

HTJ:  Don’t worry, I’ll book a trip to New York to check it out.  Trust me, I am thorough.

RS:  Thank you Councilman for clearing up these allegations.

Rich Spain writes a letter about self-love to Senator John Edwards

Dear Senator John Edwards,

I know life looks very hard right now as you are facing felony charges of funneling money from a campaign supporter to your mistress to keep her quiet, while you ran for President.  In a lot of ways, your problem was loving too much.  You loved America so much that you openly lied about your affair to run for President.  You loved your wife so much that you didn’t want her to know you were cheating on her while she had cancer.  And you loved your videographer so much that you impregnated her out of wedlock.  You are one man who is full of it.  Love that is.

In his book the “The Five Love Languages”, Dr. Gary Chapman outlines five ways to have a more productive love life.  I think the only way to get through your hardship is to stop worrying about everyone else and start loving yourself.  I’ve outlined five ways you can make sure to love yourself.

#1. Acts of Service - Acts of service should be easy.  You were a Public Servant for Pete’s sake. You campaigned against the “the two Americas: the America of the privileged and the wealthy, and the America of those who live from paycheck to paycheck.”  It turns out you were on the side of the privileged and wealthy but that is OK.  You could ask your daughter to perform an act of service for you by standing by your side while you tell the courtroom that you cheated on her mother but did not misappropriate campaign funds.  That definitely counts as an act of service, because trust me, she does not want to be there.

#2. Words of Affirmation - Words of affirmation have always come easy to you.  From enchanting a jury during your days as a trial lawyer to small talk on the campaign trail.  You know how to build other people up.  But what about John?  I recommend standing in front of a mirror every day and saying, “You are not a lying, cheating scoundrel.”  Actually, let’s try that in the positive, “You are an honest, play by the rules gentleman.”  Nope that still doesn’t feel right.  How about just saying, “You look nice today.

#3. Quality Time - Between running for president and covering up your affair, when have you taken quality time with yourself?  Or more specifically, with the part of yourself that you really love, your hair.  Try having a quality conversation with your hair.  A sympathetic dialogue where you share with your hair in a friendly, uninterrupted context.  Listen with a desire to understand your hair’s thoughts, feelings and hopes.  A great exercise would be to turn off your TV, laptop and blackberry, pop some popcorn, build a fort in your living room with couch cushions and just stay up all night talking with your hair.

#4. Gifts - Giving yourself a gift doesn’t have to be expensive, like the BMW and Lexus you would drive in private.  A gift can be something inexpensive and meaningful, like the beat up Buick you drove to campaign functions to make you seem like an everyman.  In fact, your physical presence during a time of crisis can be the most powerful gift.  Like faithfully being at your wife’s bedside as she died of cancer.  You know what let’s just skip to the next one.

#5. Physical Touch - Here is another love language that you have excelled at.  Physical touch can be as simple as a hug or as intense as sexual intercourse.  Your proficiency at physical touch has led to four children.  Well five children if you count that love child from your affair.  Since this is the love language that got you in so much trouble maybe it makes sense to listen to your critics and “Go physically touch yourself”.

Don’t worry John, things will start to look up.  This is America!  Politicians cheat on their dying wives all of the time.  Look at Newt Gingrich.  He had is wife sign divorce papers while she was in the hospital dying.  And he’s running for President!  If you ever need anything, a sympathetic ear or a recommendation for a good restaurant to take your hair to, please know that I am here to support you.

Live with life!

Rich Spain

Rich Spain chats with Sarah Palin about questionable facts in a recent interview

Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin has spent this week taking a high-profile bus tour up to New Hampshire, in what may or may not be a prelude to a presidential run in 2012. She spent half an hour the other day chatting with Fox News’s Greta van Susteren.  Many of the comments made during the interview have drawn criticism from fact checkers.  Today I sat down with Governor Palin to give her an opportunity to respond to the criticism.

Rich Spain:  Madame Governor, thank you for taking the time to speak with me.

Sarah Palin:  Thank you Rich for giving me the opportunity to answer these character assassins in the Liberal Media, or as I call them, the Lee Harvey Oswald Media.

RS:  Governor Palin, during your interview with Greta van Susteren you stated, “We don’t have the $2 billion [to give to Egypt]. Where are we going to get it? From China? We are going to borrow from foreign countries to give to foreign countries.”

SP:  Sure did say that.

RS:  Experts have said that the $2 billion would come from $1 billion of loan forgiveness from debt Egypt already owes the U.S. from purchasing our farm products and the other $1 billion would come from a non government agency that would create the loan at no cost to U.S. taxpayers.

SP:  Now listen, Rich.  This isn’t my first moose hunt.  Forgiving debt never works.  When you got a broken snowmobile that you still owe $5,000.00 on to the Anchorage Auto Bank, once they forgive your debt, you still have a broken snowmobile. 

RS:  I see.

SP: And the U.S. can help Egypt get loans from any of these non governmental agencies.  Heck, I know a guy named Eskimo Tony that will loan Egpyt $1 billion.  But guess what, when Egypt can’t pay the loan, Eskimo Tony’s going to be knocking on my door asking me where the money is.

RS:  That is a very interesting way to look at the facts Governor.

SP:   Rich, I was the Governor of Alaska, the biggest state in the U.S.  I know what I’m doing here.

RS:  Alaska is the biggest by size, but ranks number 47 in population.

SP:  Well, that sounds like a dagger in the back from a character assassin.  Et tu Bluto?

RS:  Let’s just skip the Popeye reference.  During your speech you also attacked Social Security stating, “If you have more recipients than you have payers into the [Social Security] system, it is like a Ponzi scheme that’s going to be upside down in no time at all. We are going to be underwater with Social Security.”  Can you elaborate on those claims?

SP:  I would love to elaborate.  Listen, we all know that Ponzi was the coolest.  He rode around on his motorcycle.  He got all the girls.  And when he elbowed the jukebox a popular song from the 1950s would come on without him paying money.  But that is the problem with Ponzi.  He’s not paying into the “jukebox” retirement system.  And what happened to Ponzi?  He got on a set of water skis, tried to jump over a shark and ended up under water.  That is where America is heading

RS: So you are claiming that America is jumping the shark?

SP:  We sure are Rich.  And it will take more than Mr. Miyagi and Scott Baio to save us.

RS:  Finally, in regards to the economy, you claimed, “[Obama passed] a trillion dollars in stimulus package projects that still have resulted in record-setting unemployment, a heartbreaking number of home foreclosures, crashed markets left and right.”  Economists noted that the stimulus bill was only $800 billion not a trillion and $200 billion of that was for tax breaks not spending.

SP:  Rich we can argue about the numbers all day.  The fact of the matter is that there are a heartbreaking amount of foreclosures, markets are crashing and unemployment is at a record number.

RS:  What amount of foreclosures are you considering heartbreaking?

SP:  How about one foreclosure.  My good friend, Eskimo Tony’s wife left him when his house got foreclosed.  It broke his heart.

RS:  Eskimo Tony, your friend who could lend Egypt $1 billion?

SP:  That’s right, Rich.  Times fell hard on the Eskimo Tony family.  Once he lost his home he went into his job as assistant manager of the Anchorage Safeway supermarket and just started knocking the items off the wall in rage.

RS:  So Eskimo Tony was crashing the market.

SP:  He was crashing the market left and right.  They fired him that day.  It was the record setting third firing of the month at the Safeway.

RS:  Governor, thank you so much again for taking the time to elaborate on your recent interview.  I think the American people have a lot more to think about now.

SP:  You are welcome, Rich.  We will also be setting up a PayPal account for Eskimo Tony to help him in his search for his estranged wife while he finds a new job.  Our prayers are with him.

 

Rich Spain releases hacked emails from the personal account of a Cabinet level official

Google announced Wednesday that Chinese computer hackers had breached the personal GMail accounts of senior U.S. government officials and military personnel.  Google has not released the names of these officials creating great speculation as to the secrets that may be revealed to foreign enemies.  I have reached out to one of my close friends, a cabinet level official and she has agreed to share the email correspondences that were compromised.  Her hope is to assure the U.S. people that no national secrets were revealed.

Live with life,

Rich Spain

 

From: LadyPrez2008@gmail.com

To: CommanderInBeef42@gmail.com

Subject: Our Son in law’s future

Message:

Dearest Bill,

I know this message finds you in good spirits and health.  Life on the Global stage means nothing without you.  My trips to Egypt and Pakistan remind me of a more simple time.  Perhaps a time when you and I could have just been a goat herder and his faithful wife.  I yearn for our body and souls to be united once again.  One benefit of my time in the Middle East is the smells and textures I’ve procured.  When we finally will be able to give our entire existences to each other, I shall create an experience of 1,000 and 1 nights that shake the fabric of love.

Have you spoke to Chelsea today?  She said her husband is leaving Wall Street to go skiing in Jackson Hole, Wyoming indefinitely.  What are we to do?

Love Eternally,

HRC

 

From: CommanderInBeef42@gmail.com

To: LadyPrez2008@gmail.com

Subject: re: Our Son in law’s future

Message:

Chelsea be trippin.  Men gotta be men.  JFK lived on a party boat in France while he was married and a Senator.

Audi 5000,

Bdub

 

From: LadyPrez2008@gmail.com

To: CommanderInBeef42@gmail.com

Subject: re: re: Our Son in law’s future

Message:

My Only Bill,

When I look back on our life together, it brings ecstasy to my heart to remember the first year of our holy nuptials.  Our trips through the wild flower fields of Arkansas.  Our picnic lunches where we would feed each other strawberries dipped in sugar.  The passionate stretches of night and day where our bodies were fused together as one.  A time when minutes were days, days were seconds and seconds were two lifetimes.  I want to make sure our daughter experiences true passion.

Love eternally,

HRC

 

From: CommanderInBeef42@gmail.com

To: LadyPrez2008@gmail.com

Subject: re: re: re: Our Son in law’s future

Message:

Just booked a flight to Jackson Hole.  I’ll take care of this in person.  Young pup needs some wisdom from the Big Dog.

Peace in the Middle East,

Bpoppa

 

From: CommanderInBeef42@gmail.com

To: WallStreetSkiPatrol@gmail.com, LadyPrez2008@gmail.com

Subject: Jackson Corn Hole

Message:

Son, it’s time to learn how to be a man.  Keep the hot tub hot and the Bud Ice cold, because the because the former Leader of the Free World is coming to Jackson Hole and he is not bringing pants.

King Dingaling,

Bubba Stump

 

From: LadyPrez2008@gmail.com

To: CommanderInBeef42@gmail.com

Subject: re: Jackson Corn Hole

Message:

Honey, I think you accidentally copied me on the last one.  Be good.

HRC

Rich Spain interviews Governor Arnold Shwarznegger

Rich Spain:  Governor Schwarznegger thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me.

Arnold Schwarznegger: You are welcome, Rich.  Would you like to hear some gossip?

RS: Some gossip, Governor? Sure.

AS: 20 years ago, I made a love baby with my housekeeper.

RS: Yes, Governor that news is all over the world right now.  Traditionally, when you ask someone if they want to hear some gossip, you don’t talk about yourself, you talk about someone else.

AS:  What can I say, I just love gossip.

RS: Governor, you have conquered the world of professional bodybuilding, movies and now politics.  With the world on your plate, what led you to such an infidelity?

AS:  Since I was a boy every Sunday evening I would meet with the women of the house to gossip.  We would talk about how silly the other Mr. Universe contestants looked in their Speedos or how funny James Cameron’s face was when he was trying to make a director decision.  When I married Maria, she hated to gossip.  I had to seek out another woman to share my love for gossip.  That woman was my housekeeper.

RS:  A lot of people are wondering how you were able to keep this love child a secret for 20 years.

AS:  Rich it is easy.  It’s my complete and utter control over gossip.  In many circles, I am called the Gossipnator.

RS: Like the Terminator of gossip?

AS: Exactly.  While I was running for Governor, NBC’s Brian Williams found out about my love child.  But I already knew through gossip that Brian robbed a 7-11 as a juvenile and I used that to keep him quiet.

RS: Brian Williams robbed a 7-11?

AS:  That is correct.  He got away with 3 boxes of Mike and Ikes, an issue of People’s most beautiful people from 1974 and a gallon of engine coolant.  They found him two blocks away hiding in his neighbor’s garage.

RS: How did you obtain this information, Governor?

AS:  I have an extensive gossip network.  In between crafting the perfect physique, grossing billions of dollars at the theater and campaigning for one of the five most coveted elected positions in the country, I also take the time to go to a stitch and bitch.

RS:  What is a stitch and bitch?

AS:  A stitch and bitch is where women gather at a home to work on knitting projects as they gossip about current events.  I also attend regular Oprah Book Club’s where white wine is served, Church picnics and gay locker rooms.

RS:  Gay locker rooms?

AS:  Yes, Rich.  The gossip is more juicy there.

RS:  Governor, you are a role model to millions, maybe billions of children in the world, what do you have to say to them?

AS:  For all the children of California, and the rest of the world, I only have two pieces of wisdom.  Number one, always lift with your legs, not your back.  That is from my Mr. Universe days.  Number two, the only person who won’t gossip about you is the family dog.

RS: That is sound advice.

AS: Although with my vast fortune I am working with numerous Dog whisperers to finally be able to unlock the gossip potential of family dogs.  I believe that within the next two years we’ll open up an untold gossip reservoir.

RS:  Thank you so much for speaking with me, Governor.

AS:  You are very welcome.  Remember, Rich.  I know what you did at Senior week 1998.

RS: [silence]